


Penguins are from hell

by Batsandbirds



Series: Birds of a Feather Stick Together [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Brothers, Family, Gen, Jason is done, Showers are superior, Stop bringing animals home damian, dami you little shit, jason hates penguins, not really brotherly bonding though, penguins are actually satan, the manor is not a zoo, why do i write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 18:40:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6868855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Batsandbirds/pseuds/Batsandbirds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You found a penguin...named it Poe...brought it home...and then put Poe the Penguin in my tub. Poe the Penguin."</p><p>Also known as the time Damian brought home a spite penguin, and put it in Jason's tub. </p><p>I need to stop writing at three a.m.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Penguins are from hell

**Author's Note:**

> Yup. This happened. And to justify Jason's fear in here, penGUINS ARE GODDAMN CREEPY. Okay, I'm good. This is in my Birds of a Feather series, an AU where they're all still vigilantes, but it combines events from all sorts of media and the Batboys live happily-more or less-together in the manor.

There was fucking penguin in the bathtub. Jason's bathtub, to be exact.

The Red Hood's hand flew to his mouth to hide the unmanly yelp of surprise too little too late. Jason stumbled backwards, arms flailing as he tried to twist the knob and get out of the bathroom. The penguin made eye contact with those beady eyes from literal Hell, and Jason might have screamed. It was a blur.

The muffled noises of his stampede of a family coming up the stairs and towards his room was nothing compared to his heart beating in his ears. Jason hated penguins. Penguins were Satan, every single one of them. Their bodies were built like goddamn twinkies with legs and a beak, and gross legs at that. Pruny like raisins, which Jason also hated. Penguins were actual demons, with their fucking flipper flapper slappers and their stupid musical foot fetish movies. They shouldn't put those douchebirds in the zoo to corrupt children. Their squawks can only be compared to a pterodactyl, and Jason was about sixty percent sure a penguin had killed him sometime in another life.

The door burst open and broke from the force of the kick, and Jason let himself be crushed by the door rubble, because that was a much more preferable death than annihilation via flightless bird. He groaned in pain as one of his stupid brothers stood on top of him. "What's wrong, Jay?" Dick's voice demanded. "Assassin? Infiltration? Pe-..." His voice trailed off. "Penguin?"

Jason jerked his body up, pulling himself out of the rubble and brushing himself off grumpily. He glanced up and clenched his jaw when he caught sight of Dick's little smile as he watched the damn bird lounging in his tub. Dick could laugh at Jason's hatred of deep water, of his discomfort with small spaces, even his damn dislike for tomatoes! But not his penguin phobia. Never his goddamn penguin phobia. 

"Shut the hell up. It just startled me," Jason puffed, moving to shoulder past Dick, Tim, and Steph. "I didn't say anything!" His brother protested as he passed, but Jason wasn't listening. He was gonna kill the brat, actually strangle him this time. Bruce would have his ass, but Jason wouldn't even be mad because he'd have gotten back at the kid.

Jason kicked open Damian's door. "Demon!" He shouted. The boy was reading as he stretched out on his bed with Alfred the cat, Titus sitting at the foot. All three pairs of eyes locked on to Jason, and somehow every single one of them felt patronizing. Jason stormed his way over to the demon child's bed.

"Penguin!" He spluttered, red faced and angry. He trembled with fury as Damian scowled at him. "No, Todd, I am not Penguin," he corrected. Jason took a deep breath. If there was a God, he better give him strength to not remove Damian's spine. 

"You. You put a penguin-a _penguin _-in my bathtub," he growled. Damian challengingly met his glare. "I suppose I did," he responded nonchalantly. Jason groaned in frustration and tugged his hair. He was gonna go bald, oh _god _, this family was gonna make him bald.____

____"Why?" He questioned helplessly. Damian shrugged. "Conveniently enough, you're the only one who has a tub rather than a shower," was his simple explanation. Jason stared the kid down. He glanced at the cat for some sort of support. The cat mewed._ _ _ _

____Jason rubbed his temples. "You know what? Fine. I'm not gonna have the bath-shower-superiority fight with you again. Just...get the penguin out of my room. Now."_ _ _ _

____Damian tutted. "- _tt _-, but to where will Poe be moved?" He raised his eyebrows. Jason blinked very slowly. "You found a penguin...named it _Poe _...brought it home...and then put Poe the Penguin in my tub. Poe the Penguin."_____ _ _ _

________Damian simply nodded. Jason left the room. He was done._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Five minutes later, Jason flung open the door to Bruce's study. The man glanced up from his reading and narrowed his eyes. "You look resigned," he commented. Jason sighed. "Never mind that. How do I get rid of a slightly used penguin?"_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, that was a doozy! Hope you enjoyed. Yup. I need sleep.


End file.
